When I was a teen, i often wonder if i would ever get married. Now that i'm married, i wondered if i would ever get pregnant. I finally got pregnant and i wonder if i would go through labour easily or would i be scared as hell. I went through labour and now i wonder if i would ever be a good enough mother.

There are days i cry, i cry so hard because i feel lonely going through the recuperation and managing my child on my own. I know i'm not managing him alone. I'm blessed with a super kind mother in law who helps me everyday to bathe him & look after him while i have to pump my breasts of milk. I'm blessed with a supportive husband who never mentions he is tired of work and taking care of his son and me. I am very much blessed with quick recovery. My son is quite predictable and that helps me so much in attending to his cues. There is nothing i can complain about. I can't.

Why should i complain. My in laws takes care of me so well. I'm given healthier meals daily, relieved  of evening duties from 7pm to 1am because the husband willingly wants to take it up, not adding additional help from his sister and father who willingly sings and sways the little boy so that he wouldn't sleep so fast. I have a mother in law who supports my breastmilk journey and is so open that she'll come in my room while i'm pumping, top exposed. Weeeee! I have always hinted to the husband to join me in my confinement journey, eat together what i gotta have at least, but neh, that's too much for him.

Life has to go on after childbirth right?? Of course, that only applies to the husband a week after childbirth. Ohno, he starts the sunday itself. Well at least i wasn't alone, i guess. But with the pain and having to learn to meet my son's needs, it felt so long. We did have visitors but baby just slept through, easy.  At night was another story.

A week of massage, the pain of the massage, the heat of the pilis, the tightness of the bengkung and the pain of my piles swollen, the eerie feeling of sitting down while in pain. Baby's taken care by granny, and occasionally, the eldest sil would be there. But noone was looking over me. Husband was always there for baby, making me feel a tad neglected. Once, i had to shout for him from the toilet a few times because i had a painful accident in the toilet. Of course i couldn't call the mil...it was embarrassing! I felt cared for by the masseuse. She guided me the first few things i had to do to provide for my son, she adviced me what to do for my piles, the pain i was going through. She wasn't paying attention to the baby, she paid attention to me.

Sometimes, i cry hard. After all the pain i went through carrying this boy, i had to go through pain giving birth to him, i had to go through the pain of recuperating, mentally i wasn't prepared for everything. I'm happy, but i guess i felt depressed. I'm stuck at home, seeing my husband go back to his life, life has to carry on he says, like as if i don't have one, i take care of this boy from 1am to 6pm, just to not get my break in the evening because i have to pump and eat and prepare for the night of feeds.

At night, is a period of troubleshooting, entertaining baby's hunger cues, changing diapers and singing lullabies so that baby would sleep. Oh my son, what has the nurses done to you? You weren't like this in the hospital. I'll be hiding in my room, pumping milk for the night. I would miss my time to pee, go over my dinner time, hurt my nipples and my back for the milk. I hope its a phase. I need you to sleep early baby. We're getting tired. I can't even nap during the day.

Finally i get to go out with the husband for my check up. And we decided to grab baby's essentials at the fair. I skipped lunch for it because husband said he wanted to eat at home. When we got home, i had a bad migraine i couldn't entertain because we had guests. Finally when i had a reason to hide in my room, i lay down, and nursed my head. I slept from 6pm to 10pm! I fought off my migraine because baby was in the room. When he finally slept, we ate. But i realise i wasn't having the appetite  now.

I hated it when the mil & sil comes in my room to see baby early morning while i'm in bed. I'm just glad sil will be having her own baby soon, seriously. I don't oogle and steal anyone's baby unless the mother offer. I wish they would give the same respect to me too. But i guess, no. So i let it be. I eat my heart out. I watch from afar. I hide in my room while they overstimulate my baby knowing i will have to entertain his hunger & curiousity cues at night. I keep myself quiet. I cry randomly. I wish i was at my home. I wish Mak was here. I wish for so many impossible things.

I wish this phase is over. I wish my husband would confine himself too. But whatever. I have to manage this on my own. I will manage this on my own.