Alhamdulillah.
Kerana aku diberkati dengan orang-orang yang aku sayangi, dengan orang-orang yang menyayangi aku, dengan kesihatan dan juga dengan rezeki.

Alhamdulillah.
Kerana aku dapat melihat, mendengar, merasa, menikmati.

Alhamdulillah.
Kerana aku boleh berjalan, mengangkat kedua tanganku untuk berdoa, bersolat, menolong dan membantu.



Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah ibuku. Ampunkanlah dosa-dosanya. Ringankanlah perjalanannya. Aku tak sanggup melihat ibuku sakit menderita. Lepaskanlah dia daripada seksaan dunia dan akhirat. Ringkan bebannya. Murahkan rezekinya. Mudahkan dia melepasi titian siratal Mustaqim. Berikanlah dia cahaya di dunia dan di akhirat. Ya Allah, panjangkan umur ibuku. Berikannya peluang untuk ke Rumahmu. Berikannya kekuatan dan rezeki untuk menjenguk rumahmu walau sekalipun. Berilah aku kekuatan untuk menemaninya kesana. In shaa Allah. Amin.

One, two, three, four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can't tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

I'm glad this happened. A test to us.

What ever that happened right now happened almost 5 years ago. And it was tough, just with a few differences.

Back then, he wanted to leave her.
Right now, he's heavy hearted to leave her.

Back then, while he needed someone to let his heart out, i was a damsel in distress myself. We were there for each other.
Right now, he needed someone to let his heart out, but i wasn't there for him. She was.

Back then, both of us were busy with what we had, Muzikarama.
Right now, both of us are busy with everything that we have. But right now, we are still working on something together.

Back then, we both went overseas together and we knew each other so closely there.
Right now, we are going overseas, but not together. But around the same time.

Back then, he had a past that i had to accept. No matter how tough that was, I was determined to pass through that because he was worth it.
Right now, he has a recent past i have to accept. I hope i have the determination to pass through it again. But i hope this time it really is worth it.


As similar as it is, it is very different because back then, i wasn't in love with him and i was ready to let go what wasn't mine. Right now, i fell in love and he cheated. I'm ready to let go what I thought was mine but he insisted it was his mistake and would want to start a fresh.

I was there to accept him when he let her go 5 years ago.
I need to be there to accept him when he wants to let her go today.

And as previous experiences happened, I must learn to accept her in his life, that she exists. That they have a tie and as Muslims, we cannot break any ties or bonds.


Ya Allah, you gave us a test, and i don't call this a victory. It isn't a victory because we have too much more to learn. But in this test, you taught us patience and perserverence, you gave us determination and guidance, you led us back to you and when we were at our most end, it was you we turned to. Please guide us further, and don't lead us astray. Please forgive our sins. We are weak without you, and only you can determine our fate. If this is what that is written for us, please give us strength and patience for us to continue. Because only You are The Most Merciful, The Most Loving, The Ever Forgiving. Amin.

Questions whizz pass darting aimlessly in my mind. I don't know where to start, from the end or beginning, to want to leave out certain details or dig every single bit of dirt left. Ice will melt. I think my heart is now as hard as stoned ice. To allow this iced heart melt is going to take awhile. Allowing it to melt is another story.

I can't believe myself for allowing someone to do this to me. My instinct was and still is sharp. But it is as if right now, i can't even allow myself to overlook on any thing that is happening. Must i brain wash this mind just because it has been polluted with hate, jealousy and paranoia?

What was he thinking? I didn't cheat on him. I gave him space to think and let him do whatever he wants. I stopped my interest in his because it was getting mundane and he didnt want to explain it in happier details. I guess anyone new would be interesting enough to change the routine.

Things must change now. We are holding on to cracked foundations. We are holding onto past memories, salvaging what little emotions we have. There can't be anymore immature fights on who didn't ask what or who didn't say where. At the end of the day, love and happiness is a journey, because after falling in love, we strive to be in the pithole of love till the next life, Jannah. InsyaAllah.

Was that her? Really? I must be paranoid. But why must those words be the ones i hear. "Aku msg dia tapi dia tak reply."





Jauhkan mereka. Aku tak nak sakit hati lagi. Cukup sekadar terserempak sahajalah.




Aku kuat. Aku kuat! AKU KUUUAATTT!!!!




Ya Allah, berikan aku kesabaran & kekuatan untuk menghadapi semua ini. Hatiku sakit. Aku sedih sangat. Ya Allah, terima kasih sebab mengkabulkan doaku. 

Realising why I keep disappointing myself through other people.

I never had the big urge to own material things. Yes, once or twice i may have wished i had an LV bag or a car or a bug house, but i'm comfortable where i am roght now. Upgrading would be the better option because everyone must work towards being better than they were before.

But i keep holding onto people, making people the reason i smile, laugh or cry. And when these people leave or aren't there for me, i get disappointed. Expectations are placed on these people who aren't made to carry this burden but only God can. So why do i expect these people, who aren't perfect like i am, be there for me, when they can't? Surely, there must be a reason why everyone is not here for me right now, isn't it? Surely there must be reason why He changed his heart to move away from me.

It has never been easy for me to let go of you particularly. I just don't know why. You made such a huge impact on my life and I thank you & Him for that. We all need a change at some point of time so when you chose to leave, i had a hard time accepting. But when you chose to leave, and i felt there wasn't anyone here for me, my focus shifted to wanting to be a better person, wanting to be closer to Him. Only when i beg and pray for calmness, would i actually feel calm. Everything now feels like an illusion.

If really seeing someone else isn't moving on, then what is? I felt angry and sad but happy at the same time. I felt like you lied, you cheated and you just made reasons to leave. But I am not God, I don't know for sure what you are going to say, what you really feel. Maybe it's time for you to do a reality check. I hope for an explanation for why you lied but i know it will only hurt me further. To say i've had enough is just going to hurt me more when there's more to come. So go ahead, tell me what exactly you feel after choosing to see someone else, and at the same time keep coming back to see me. I feel pitiful for that other girl you gave hope to. And i think there's more than meets the eye. Remember what i said? Be honest and truthful. I was to you, so i hope you are to me.

For all that matters to the heart, i leave it to Allah to guide and heal. I hope i don't shift away like how i did last time. Nauzubillah min zalik.

I deleted my WhatsApp thinking that when I redownload it, my conversations would still be there but everything got deleted.

Goodbye memories.

Finally I feel at peace.

Bismillahir rahmanir rahim.

It has been easier to forget my past exes. After we broke up, all contact was cut, and no accidental meets at all. What more preplanned ones.

Even how much i thought of them, i won't be so bothered because they aren't near me. Even how small this country is, no matter how small my town is, i don't bump into them. Even if i do, it's just a hi bye. No matter how small my school is, i don't even accidentally walk pass them.

I guess i was good at ignoring that time. Because everything else was much more important, so i could shift my focus on something else. And, apart from that, when i go through a break up, it means a break up. Ties cut. No contact.

This time i complain that its superhard to forget because we contact, we meet, ties still tied because one of us doesn't want to snip it off. I want it to be easier.


I can't keep having bad feelings about everything, paranoia is nipping me hard on the butt.


Finally I have an almost peaceful reason and way to move on without him. It wrecked my heart for a moment when i saw it, but i realised i shouldn't have let my heart move. If he's acting single again, why should i, be here waiting?


Everything happens for a reason. This is my stand. You can't just do things without reasoning. You can't just keep coming back to me and say, why must i have a reason for it? You just can't. Right or wrong, what you make me feel, is like a doll with no feelings. I'm human, i cry when i'm sad, laugh when i'm happy, rage when i'm angry. If you think its alright for you to treat me the way you are right now, you are like those single guys who just wants company when lonely. Selfish. However much feelings that i have for u is being doubted because i'll never know what exactly that shook your heart. But atleast, now i have a hunch but i know i will never get to know the truth because, you chose ypur privacy.


I guess there must be a reason she was there. She was an example i never wanted to be. What happened to her, what she did to you, everything was what i don't want to end up like. When i saw what i saw, maybe it isn't what i think it was, but it opened my eyes. I'm stupid but i do what my guts tell me to. I have no confidence on my gut feeling, but when i do follow it, the outcome is surprising. Either the worst or the best. I guess I know myself better. And I wouldn't want you to take more than what you've already stole.


I must learn that I should/can/must only depend on The Merciful.

akuuu da kateeeee, korang takmo dengarrr.


i've been hearing myself say that too much lately. even to myself.


right now, my gfs and i are preparing a bridal shower for my bestfriend. and seriously, we aren't moving. well atleast we got the wedding gift, venue and bridesmaids' outfit done. but i'm not that satisfied.


you know, it's amazing how sometimes, my voice is overwritten by the other three. seriously man. and i believe my ideas aren't that all good, but it makes sense. you see, the bride asked for a pastel colour kind of outfit for the bridesmaids but ended up we chose black and dark pink. total opposite!!

and yes, i know i can be veerrryyy pushy when it comes to planning something but it gets things going. i think. i mean, 4 heads are better than 1 right?? but when i start giving ideas, i'm seen as an extrovert.

i like to see my ideas come to life. but sometimes, not everyone thinks the same.

but when i have a bad feeling, i really think someone should listen. yes, maybe the other ideas seem appealing at first, but when u develope it, u must consider the other factors.

i think i may have that sometimes. like, what comes afterwards. its a big issue for me though i can't control the future.

sometimes, i appreciate it if someone could take account to what i think and not just overwrite everything.


i told you i didn't like it, why did you proceed? oh yeah, majority wins.

If only it was that easy..to let go..like flying a kite, this tug n pull is making me exhausted.

He is happier flying while me, on the grd, pulling him back. Being thr when he falls, just to let him go fly again. Its not the updates n texts n calls that i want, its the security, the certainty that whatever happens, when i fall, i have him too. Just knowing he loves me is enough i guess, for now. It makes thgs easier. But he doesnt want to tell me that bcos he's not certain of his feelings. He just missed my presence, n nothing else i guess. He missed my closeness.

Like a kite, i feel tired with the tug n pull. He's flying high enough, so i shd be able to let him go easy. But he wants me to 'tie him to a brick' and do whatever i want, come back when he needs me. But when he falls, i get attached to him, helpg him fly back up. Feeling very happy that he flew. When he flies off, i cry in despair bcos sthg i was attached to is now far away. And i dont know when is the next time that i'll be seeing him. When i will feel that attachment again from him.

I miss flying the kite with him. But now that he is the kite, i miss him on the ground. But i shd be happy for he took my advice and now flies sky high.

Love is nothing but strings attached to us. So by not saying it, there'll be no strings attached. We can easily let go.


I've become a desperate girl. Searching for companion. Loneliness is where, even in the crowdest room, you feel alone.

Crying over love lost. Crying over failed ties. Crying over spilled milk.

Be strong. But don't let it be a waste when he starts it all over again.


Tie the string to a brick, come back when he's on the ground.
Help him up and let him fly, sky high.
Leave him flying, alone in the sky above.
Don't despair, he is happy, you should too.

I hate cancer.

It kills you slowly.
It weakens you.
It sucks the life out of you.

But at the same time, you don't show anything.
You grow weak, but unlike stroke or kidney failure, you don't show much signs of weakness.
You just know you are weak.
To get up in the morning.
To do what you always have done.
Your immune system deteriorates. And noone can help.
You can't just have a transplant and say everything is back to normal.
It's a slow death.

It sucks life. It sucks money.
The medication is so expensive. The treatments are so expensive!
A new drug. Cost TWICE more than what i earn a month.
And patients don't want to take it just because it's too expensive to afford.

I want my mom to heal.
I want my mom to be better.
But $5000 a month for medication,
It's too much.
We don't have enough.
But we want our mother to get better.




It's no wonder he left me. How can he help to support me if i have to support my family? It's no wonder he don't want to be in my family.


Ya Allah, please have mercy on us. Please lighten our load, please lighten our burden. We leave it to You to help us after all that we can do to help ourselves. Only You can allow us to do what we can. Ya Allah, You are the most Merciful and Most Loving. Please take care of us.

"But I want us to think about happiness as self-love. It’s when you smile with your eyes. It’s when you come home for dinner and your boyfriend or girlfriend made your favorite meal. Happiness is when you’ve been scoping the city and the Internet for those Jeffrey Campbell’s in a size nine and everybody’s sold out. But then, finally, you find a pair — AND THEY’RE ON SALE! Happiness is when you notice that something is going wrong in your life and instead of letting it fester and focusing on the negative, you take charge and do something dramatic to change paths. When you make a change from being unhappy to doing something that makes you burst with glee, happiness is looking in the rearview mirror at your past self and being thankful that you’re not that person anymore."



-Madison Moore, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/dont-wait-to-be-happy/