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Settled Purpose.

Jot down interesting, memorable events in life
Think things out through words
To avoid the mental burden.




Well Wishers

abdillah adillah aidil m. daud ain archi aisyahbi aizat amalina amira asmida cikgu marlina fatimah filzah haddad helfizah idayu ivan izzati junaidah jyssica loy-xing-wen maisarah mei-juan* muhammad nur nadiah s. nadiah z. namira nazif nisa nizal raihanah reyza safiah sarah shakinah suhaila suzana yasmin vanan adawiyah adelina ahny^adi ain angel benjamin bernard darren faizal hanisa hanis syafinaz hilmi hisham hong-sheng joseph kai lin khidir khadijah madarians mariyanah nasri noraisha nosheena ridwan rohanisya salihah saranpal sufyan ting-ting wen-jun xin-yi yanni

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Monday, August 22, 2016
Sleeping sad.

Obviously sleeping angry and sad couldn't have helped my anxiety rush.

What started as a seek of understanding, turned out ugly last night. I just wished i could tell to people that these are the things i want to do and i am going to do, whether you let me or not. I wish i could just be more demandful of what i have in mind than let it scream in my head.

I couldn't take the thoughts, the screams, the whispers. I let it out. And i got my negative feedback. I feel like telling those thoughts in my head, SEE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?

Sometimes i don't get myself for accepting every offer that he puts to me. I guess i just want to be the supportive partner. And then, i realise, i miss my girls so much, i'm going to miss my family even more once i get married. I closest to girl talk i can get is to my colleagues. I don't text my girls that much now a days because i feel like i'm too overly active.

I wish, i really wish i had my mom to back me up. I wish i didnt have to go through a few mothers of expectations. I wish i could just break down to my mom how i did 4 years ago. It's been 4 years Mak. How did time just fly like that?

I was walking down to my pelamin and everything was wrong. It's like, I didn't expect green pelamin. Where is the cream i asked for? Where is the seats on the pelamin? Why is the candy booth like that? Where is my bouquet? And as i stomped to the dressing room, everyone was there being busy. And i just screamed out all the questions. I ran from the majlis only to find him. And he said lets just leave the majlis for now, and i broke down. At that point of time, leaving the majlis with him meant so much because i couldn't take the stress & he understood. And he didn't have to ask why was i being angry, or why was i shouting. I woke up to find this was all a dream. But as i laid my head on my pillow, as i fell asleep, the dream continued. I just wanted to wake up. I wanted to run away from that nightmare.

Astarghfirullah hal'azdhim. Dugaan bertunang kan? This is my last month and i can't take the doubt & anxiety. I just want to be alone. I can't imagine living, sleeping in someone else's house without someone who is my only connection to the people in that house. I cannot imagine waking up at 6am to bathe on my own in someone's house. I'm still doubtful.


I need to talk to this to someone, but i can't. I can only talk to him about it but he took it negatively. I guess I just have myself to blame. For all, for everything.