This special person,

he brightens up my day.
greets me with a smile,
happy to see me in the morning.

This special person is my brother.

sometimes, i'm protective of him, but i don't blame the rest for this.

i don't blame, when someone changes his seat after noticing him.
i don't blame them, for not wanting to share
i don't blame them, for thinking in a way that he can't accomplish things himself.


he is brilliant, smart and witty.
kinder than any other normal people.
shy from other people.
but he will never hurt their feelings.

i cannot take back what Allah showed me. I cannot ask Him to rewind and make it a better scene. Its now etched upon my mind.


and i wonder, why would he shift to a squeezier seat?
i'm not brave enough to stand up to him and say, hey, that thing you just did, it's not nice.
i want to replay that, on the screen, and show it to the world, that this is not nice.
it is not nice.

so i posted the scene instead.
and someone brought to it to the attention of the parent.

that is not nice either isn't it?
i took days to bring up the topic. i knew it was a sensitive topic. i understand. why didn't that someone thought about that first?

maybe because the person thought they were being victimised and showed throughout the world, how their thought theirselves were being potrayed was not nice.

i want to bring it up and clear my doubts.

i'm screaming for answers.
but i can't.

be nice,
be nice,
be nice.

so i stood up and brought the topic up. and i don't think i was being nice. if you can't be nice, be just, be fair.

they are just kids.
i'm thinking too much.
this will go by.


Allah take this feeling away. please.

In my family, we don't celebrate birthdays as big as most people do. I guess, its a good and bad tradition.


A good tradition, whereby when it does come, i don't expect much from anyone. I mean, it's just another day that reminds me i'm closer to death.

A bad one as it does not celebrate the existance of me? i guess.

Yes there were times where I would actually feel so angry and sad at my parents for this, because they will actually forget it's my birthday but, i got used to it and when they do remember, it warms my heart. I feel appreciated.

Knowing this, the fiance decides to bring his tradition into mine and celebrate me ever since we were together. I look forward a little more to my birthday.

But, the downside is that, sometimes, when you do it all the time, the expectations run high. So, when its forgotten, I'd be sad.


yeap, sad, like a little girl crying kind of sad.




I've got 2 group of friends, one from secondary school, whom i have a love hate relationship the most, but they are the only people whom i feel related to like sisters, and one from polytechnic, whom are the sweetest most girly girls.

But i guess, there's a line between both of them. I can always relate to my sec sch ones. But when with the poly ones, i have an expectation to achieve.

back, to birthdays.

I was included in the preparation. Was the one bringing the birthday girl to the restaurant. I prepared something for the birthday girl. But thing is, her birthday was just days after mine. Expectations never  got dished this low. I was in the clique, so shouldn't i also get almost the same as what the birthday girl got? Maybe i wasn't as friendly and close to the rest as her. But i wonder if they saw how one sided it was... if they could see how dissappointed i was.

but i wasn't close to the rest. imagine, receiving the present like, 'eh ya, it was your birthday also, this is your present.' we didn't forget.




but it felt that way.

my sec sch gfs never did that to me. even if it was a combined thing, they celebrated it fairly.

I went to a course and i was given a comment that when i received a bad card, my face would show. Something I have to work on.

It is sad. It wasn't an occasion i should have cried in. but i just wanted to leave. I couldn't express myself there and then. but I just wanted to leave. yet, i wanted to be included. i longed to be acknowledged. i'm not the kind who will mingle with everyone. i cannot talk one on one with people unless your topic really affects me. i'd rather keep quiet.


someone saw it. my expression. almost got me choked in the throat. but i shook it off.


i love the bag. i really do. but, it isn't exactly what i actually want. how come, they didn't ask me? how come they asked the birthday girl? that's really sad too.

sometimes, i feel the dread feeling of people to be with me. i'm boring and depressing. topicless and silent.
i just hope, my future husband won't.