why do i still feel hurt?

Why can't I let go of this feeling?


Why am I self concious about my surroundings, his whereabouts, his social circle?
Why is it that I look twice everytime he talks to some girl?


Why is it that everytime, i got to know, the places, the things, the people, I get hurt?


Why did you destroy my painting?
It wasn't perfect to begin with.
But it didn't involve you.
What's wrong with you?!
Didn't you get the message?
From the start, he never mentioned anything about marrying you.
Let alone, asked you to be his gf.
He only told you he loved you.
He took advantage of you when you clearly told him not to.
He was such a liar.
And you believed him.


I can't stand this feeling. I hate it. I have to let go the feelings of hating you because you are just so young & naive.

We crossed paths but you won't know it's me.
We crossed paths but you won't know via whom.
We crossed paths but you won't know our story.


For a stranger I barely knew, you are someone I care for.
Have you ever felt that way before?
I wonder is your heart still hurting?
Or are you still coping?


For everything that happened, it isn't just you who felt it.
It isn't just me who knew about it.
It isn't just him who went through it.
The ripple effect made us crossed paths.
But I am unlikely to meet you.
And I am unlikely to know you.


How is it, that every time I take the bus,
It isn't my eyecandy I wish to see,
But you, i wish to bump into.


I hope you are doing good. 

It's a tad too late, and I don't have much time to update it now even, but i must put it here as a mark.


MY BESTEST BEST FRIEND GOT MARRIED LAST WEEKEND!!!

darling, she got solemnised on 5th Jan & celebrated with a ceremony on the 6th. SO APT! ALHAMDULILLAH! She was so beautiful, Mashaa Allah! Only He knows what was happening in their minds. & i bet she is enjoying her married life right now. In shaa Allah, may it last till Jannah & may their new journey be very smooth sailing. Should there be any hard waves, Ya Allah, May you be the Only One guiding them through thick & thin. Aamiin.


I don't know what was going through my mind the whole time. MIXED.
Happy because finally she's hitched! To a very joyful man who knows, in shaa Allah, his responsibilities as a Muslim & now, a husband.
Sad, because, now that she's OFFICIALLY ATTACHED, i can't always ask her out so frequent anymore. It won't be as easy anymore to have lepak sessions.
Worried because, her problems now are more than just when they were attached as a couple. I may not be able to help or relate.


Whatever it is, i am definitely HAPPY & OVERJOYED she is hitched. Among us friends, she was the one who started to have a long relationship with her, i think, 1st boyfriend, Kamaruzaman(?)..longer than my Cinta Monyets relationships at least...and while being single for the longest time, she was always there for me for my worst and my best. When I got to know my BF, she was there for me to pour out every hated feeling i had. While she was finally in love with this man, it was rough because her other group of friends didn't like the guy. But after knowing him, they really did fit...somehow, both of them were the happy-go-lucky type. She was also going through what I went through so we had a common thing going on. Through all that, when both of our love met each other, they clicked and we had a good feeling about it. Alhamdulillah, they moved on to a better stage, while me, i'm still waiting to save up! So much for me telling everyone to save up. What have I done? hmmm. In shaa Allah, I will start on my own savings too.


Ya Allah, please don't bring us apart. Let this friendship last till Jannah too. Aamiin.

Obviously, I'm wondering why i post at such early timings.

But obviously, I have no other time at the end of the day to do so.

I dreamt of watching the cleaner cleaning the market floor so clean that my mom pointed to me that I missed a spot when I did it.

It disturbs me that sometimes, when you already tried your best, your best isn't good enough.

It also disturbs me that sometimes, when someone did his/her best, their best actually disappoints me.

When will this feeling of suspicion and unease stop?

I came across an old friend's blog and she was talking about marriage. I have to count my days now and I have to save up. Even though I hope this love I have for him is almost whole, but I feel there are still some holes yet to be covered, what more after a big hole was made due to the previous incident.

I did it before to move one, should I do it again?
I can't help it that I am not looking forward to going to his friend's engagement ceremony because I don't want to bump into her. I don't want to know who she is and how she looks like. let her be a stranger to me, I don't want to know her. Knowing her will only make me more suspicious of his whereabout, keep me on a look out in my small town, and stalk her like a cat preys on a mouse.


Curiosity kills the cat.

So it's the 2nd day of the new year.

And we were greeted by a 45min jam, which made us late by an hour. Us? Me & him. We now work close to each other, well, our offices are close but he works around the country so at least going to work or back home, we can still see each other. Thank you Allah for bringing us closer together. If this is what you have written for us, then this is what we are.

While praying, I had flashbacks of the past few years. Syukur Alhamdulillah, 2012 has taught me to choose the right from the wrong, differentiate which is better and worst. though, i still pick some wrongs from rights. it's not mistakes, it's stubborness, and the urge or desires for those things. I still have a lot to learn.

2012.
I learnt that God has many ways to teach someone from going astray. Every actions has its pros and cons but this was the years, i faced so many consequences, I just knew I had to change. This year too, I saw a lot of my friends changing for the better too. Alhamdulillah.

Self.
After the break up, I realised all my sins and I woke up. I realised how much of a bad person I was and I just had to slap myself hard on the face to push myself to change. I realised how much everyone means to me and no matter how much I tried to run away, its these few people that I always go back to for comfort and advise. I realise that it is these few people too that I shouldn't take for granted, and that I shouldn't depend on too much. If they were to leave, I'll be struggling for a place of comfort. This year, He showed me how it felt to have them leave, and how it felt to struggle. First was my Mom, diagnosed of Bone cancer, being hospitalised and i had to struggle to help my family on their everyday needs plus be there for my little brother so that he wouldn't be at least hungry at home. Then, my best friend had to leave the country for work and I was devastated because she was the only one whom i could depend on for hopes and advices and hearty talks. after which was him, who broke off with me because he found someone that he wished for. That was the strongest blow because it meant my pillar of strength was gone. Someone I was so fond of, someone i needed at my hardest times, was gone. But no matter how much I tried to forget him, we just couldn't be away from each other. So many times I told myself to forget about him but there's just something that brought us back in contact, be it a call or text or friendly meet up. Things changed when I found out about her and I decided to leave for good. The New Muslim Year came, and that was when he got his 'revelation' that he needed me. But that wasn't the last of my drama. Finding out more of what happened during the time we were about to broke off was what that nearly killed me. But i knew He was there to show me what I had to know. if it wasn't for that little whisper in my heart, I wouldn't have found out that there was another girl. I never knew I would go through this much. I only have Him to thank for all the strength and patience He has put to me to understand where I stood and accept what has happened to move on.

Another that I have been wishing, hoping, praying for was for my family to be close.

As how it was, He gave my family a test.
My sister's wedding.
Where everyone dissed and hated her, I had only myself to blame for wanting to leave the occassion. I could have just stick to my plan and leave. But seeing my Mom hospitalised, seeing her in SICU, I couldn't bare to leave her alone in the hands of my other families. I had to cover my friend's charges to replace me for the Bangkok trip and loss a few hundred dollars for it. During the preparations and the event itself, I loss only sweat for a long 5 days. Not even a thank you received. But I know, i did it only for my Mom. When you do things for someone with sincerity, and you do it because He has commanded you to, and in this case its to help my Mom in any way I could, a thank you is just a bonus. To see her smile is all I wanted, which was what I got. Alhamdulillah. Plus it was amazing how I saw everyone of my family helping out and the tightness of my cousins and brothers who were there to help eventhough in our hearts we were cursing. I just wished she was thankful, and apologetic. Having my Cik Mama around for the next few days was bliss as I felt like I finally had a mother to cook for us family. I missed that. My cousin helped around the house, and she made me feel like i have a sister, a real sister to talk to. We had her nephews around too! Apit was just adorable. Ekhsan was helpful, like how a little brother would. How I wish i had a nice family like that. I miss that. The family I wish i had, I wanted. But right now, I have a family whom needs me. No more running away.


All this in a year. It was a hell of a year. But I think I've been taught, and I have learnt. Thank you Allah for all the lessons and tests. May the new year be less dramatic, more cherishable, with lots of happiness and laughter. In shaa Allah. Aamiin.