If you want to know where your heart is,
Look at where your mind wanders.

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try

I just have to blame myself, for having such a high expectation, for thinking that, because he was my boyfriend, i will end up marrying him, so i should treat him like i'm going to marry him, like as if i should be treated like a wife. I was finally confident. Then it hit me, whenever i am confident at anything at all, it will fail, it would be wrong, i will be wrong.

Lesson learnt, never be confident, overconfident.

All those gestures, made me mixed up, messed up. I thought he had still some feelings that is why he wanted to go out together, that is why he was so touchy on me. I was wrong. It's just the remainders. Finally he changed his fb status(more of hid it i think) so i'm clear now of where i am.

No more hoping to be with him anymore. Yeap, i still do miss him. But not like two weeks ago, not like a month ago, not like a year ago. Nope, slowly i know, for sure, this feeling will disappear. He will be like the rest, memories, and i know i will never treat him as a normal friend. I know we will be strangers in the end.

Right now, i'm still dependent on company. My family is my only companion i have. Plus my colleagues. Sometimes, people care genuinely. Others, they care for gossip. Which is why i chose to let only certain people know of my current situation. I just wish my best friend was here right now. I really feel lonely without her.

I wonder if hiccups really make you tall. Haha. I'm having one right now and i'm hiccupping really loud. Haha!

I want to watch a movie. My elder brother has taken my little brother out on their monthly movie trip! I feel pathetic because noone wants to watch a movie with me. TEDTEDTEDTED!!! Its sad that my colleagues are mostly married maannn..pathetic. I feel lonely because i can't hang out and talk normally. I don't want to ask liza cos i'd look damn desparate for friends. I wish my skin was thicker. Right now, i'm minding my own business myself. No real talk anywhere. Thats what i miss. Talks about life and future. One day, i will find someone who engages me in those talks and never be bored. I don't like to gossip and bitch, i realise. Unless its a 5mins complain. I hate to keep up with everyone. It's tiring. I gave that up a long time ago. I come and go as i please. I don't think anyone can keep up.

You know what i hate? Busybodies. Here you read and know about my life, and here i am wondering what happened to yours. Why did you become what you have become? For awhile i realised, i've been the one updating. For awhile i realised, i don't even know whats happening around you. For awhile i realised, its not me who stopped talking, its you.

I don't need anymore answers. What is the use of asking when at the end, i'm considered as the pusher when all i was trying to do was find out what happened.

I'm a boring person. Deal with it.

Just give me a reason - P!NK

(P!nk)
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

(Guy)
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
(Together)
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love

(Together)

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

(Guy)
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

(P!NK) Oh tear ducts and rust
(Guy)    I'll fix it for us
(P!NK) We're collecting dust
(P!NK) But our love's enough
(Guy)    You're holding it in
(P!NK) You're pouring a drink
(Guy)     No nothing is as bad as it seems
(P!NK) We'll come clean

(Together)
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

(P!NK)
Oh we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again oh oh
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just as i thought i was doing fine, i broke down, again. 

You spoke too soon.

Yes he cares, yes he is nice, but no, he is not the way he was, the way you hoped he'll be.

Remember what they warned you,
If you choose to be friends, it'll be hard for you. Even if you decided to wait.

Wake up Fard!

Argh! I'm sick again..i guess my immune system is messed up because my heart is too. Maybe my heart misses him but my head just keep chanting 'Move along, move on.'

Let this be. Sick or not, let me be. Maybe there'll be healing to both body and heart while being sick. How i wish i could stop whispering those three words every night. Ahhh..it'll take time.

Sleep well Fard. (:

calmer for the past few days, thanks to girlfriends who have put me into perspective.

i guess there's a few things i have to think about, for this failed relationship. i don't think it is a failed one, really. i think it is an experienceful one. if there's such a word. haha.

we've done and gone through alot. alot of been there done thats but i still think we are still immaturish. really. because i think i can only think straight when things are out of my chest(or mind) and bearing that in mind, there were alot of things in my mind during the relationship. most of which is, where is it going and when is it ending. the anticipation of having it end was really getitng on my nerves, until it really ended. you know, like waiting for the ending of the movie, and when it does end, you're like, Seriously? The End already?

i wish, like in a song, i wish i was wishing it was over. but now that it's over, it's time to move. move forward, to wherever life takes me. like the name of this blog(apparently it shows when you're reading it through mobile version), "Lost inside. Trapped.", i'm almost back to square one.

why almost? they say, when you end the relationship, you musn't contact your ex, at all. everyone has been telling me that. but secretly, i keep to myself, that we're not. be it him, or me, the routine still shows. its comforting, but it confuses me at the same time.

let it be, i keep telling myself.
i'm not one who would ever want to spoil other's happiness. as long as they are happy, then be it. if i'm not happy with it, i'll slowly leave and drift away from the person. i guess, finally, at the end of the road, i finally did drift away from him, because i realised i wasn't happy.

somehow, right now, i am. for what's worth, for the sake of everyone, i don't want to show others that i'm unhappy anymore. because, for the lot who cares, seeing me happy, makes them happy. and when they are happy, i am happy too. win-win situation right?

i really hope you are happy. (:

It was expected, but even then, it's still a big blow for me. I bet it is for him too.

We have changed, no doubt. We aren't the poly kids we used to be, and as much as I would like to extend my passion in the arts, I don't have an outlet. Unlike for him, he has the equipment, he has the people, everything fell at the right timing. I'm happy that he's happy with his current passion, even though i lost him while he's at it. No doubt I was surprised that his friend's gf was actually taking part in the previous event but when it came to me, i'm just there for fun. Jealous much, i felt useless. I hope he is happy.

Change is the only constant thing in this world we live in. I learned it the hard way. To me, he hasn't changed in his actions, just in his reactions. He is still the sweetest guy i've ever met and he has been, for mow, the best. Noone broke my wall like he did. He was the first person i told my darkest secret to. Now, that secret has long gone into the wind because he taught me to love and show love for my family. Happiness now lingers around my family, especially after mom got sick. Even after mom got sick, we never really had extensive problems in our family. Eversince i tried to mend my ways back into my family, we never treated each other with violence anymore, not even verbal quarrels. We may be hostile to each other about everyday problems but, at the end of the day, we know its the little things that matter and that we are there for each other for all big matters. Care and concern, everything finally felt right. We can't help it that we are quite boring, the fact that we don't go out together, don't share personal stories, don't bother each other alot.  That's our comfort zone. We love that.

I guess the opposite happened to him. I guess right now his family needs him more than I need him. His family needs all the help they can get to get things back on track. He feels his future looks bleak and he don't want me to suffer. But i really hope i can help, in any way I can. They taught me alot, in how to love & care for my own family. They were there when my mom fell sick, there when i needed help to learn how to be there for my family. I can't thank them enough. Thank you for everything. :)

Work has drowned us so much that we couldn't cope with ourselves. Let alone with us. Everything that was right back then felt wrong right now. We had to stop being childish and start maturing. Work changed us till we ended up with a routine every single day. We must admit that we got bored with us, bored of work because work dealt with the same people and things everyday. Nothing was spicy enough to be a topic for the night. Movies, dinner..are all the same..haha. But also due to work, we got tired most of the time. Nothing felt right anymore. And also, we had to juggle so much even though we weren't together most of the time. And since i felt that we needed more time, i kept pestering him over and over for a date with me. But with his busy schedule and my constant pestering, i made it hard for him. What more, my stern attitude and my sarcastic words made him even frustrated. I guess i missed being around him without having to share his existance with others. To talk more than just about work/band/family. Talk about us and our future, our promises. We made a promise, once we reach 5 years, we would celebrate at Carousel. Haaaa..what a beautiful thought that would be.. But we had our dinner there, before the problems and the time offs and the break ups started. I guess i shouldn't have been there in the first place. It could have prevented me from creating all those hiccups, it could've saved the relationship. But I went, i created a scene, i made him look like a fool. When he didn't come back to coax me, thats when it started, the thought of breaking up. It took a whole month of Ramadhan for us to come to terms that it's not working out. Syawal was the saddest for me as I realised it was over for us. With all his reasons, though I couldn't understand, I knew there was no turning back this time. But as much as i tried to fill the feeling of emptiness, i couldn't. I missed him too much. After all his reasons, all the guilt i felt, all the sins i realised i have done, i wanted to change. Not for him. He never really encouraged me to. But like my aunt said, If you have the desire, and the ability, then do it. So i did. Liberation. I felt nice when i started putting on my hijab. I know everyone was surprised but i just had to face them, now or later. And when he told me my change was fake, i was even more determined to prove to him that this is me right now. I guess he couldn't accept my change. The wait for his explanation was excrutiating. I didn't know if we should be nice or hostile, i didn't know if we should be texting each other or call even. Lost, confused, and my mind kept wondering to how he was doing, what was happening to him, how was he. God help me, i'm lost, and i need your direction. 1 thing Adam told me that i felt at peace was that, he wanted to meet a girl who could heighten his Iman. Impressive. I was wondering if that was what he was thinking too. During the preparations for the chalet, i saw how everyone wanted to change to a better person. These were the people i thought would never pray even though they were near a mosque. But this time, they were. They changed. And i thought, why can't i be like that? I want to be that person. Maybe if i tried, i could. I was wondering, why isn't he like that? I hope he will. I hope he'll meet someone who will heighten his Iman one day, even of its not me. After the chalet, which i felt uneasy, because he was being too nice to me and, since there was everyone else, why wasn't he mingling with them instead. I made myself busy enough to avoid contact. But he approached and helped me instead. I was overwhelmed. I miss this guy right in front of me, but he just wouldn't let himself love me anymore. Why? He could have played games with the rest but he was with me, helping, taking my directions, giving me advices. We were finally working together. Why couldn't we have that in the relationship that was straying into the rocks? That night i couldn't help wanting to sneak his phone away to check on him, was he keeping something from me? I trust him but not so much now after all that was said. I managed to curb my senses and not take the phone. Maybe there was something, i means, why was i feeling uneasy when i saw him texting at 3am in the morning? Who was he texting? Its better to be told rather than found out, really. So i kept the feeling to myself. maybe i could do it in the car while he's driving? But really, when i saw he put his phone in between his legs, i realised, its time to respect his privacy, like i always have. He has the right to do anything that he wants. Afterwhich we finally had the talk. It was like broken up clay being mashed up together and then ripping it apart again. After he left, i cried to myself, called my best friend and hoped my family were there to make me happy. Both of them did. Gosh, remembering this makes me want cry again. Haha. With heavy heart, i let him go. Celebrated my gf's birthday was hard because every min i just felt like bursting into tears. After all the birthdays, i cried on my bed, and begged him to come see me. Not to beg him to come back to me, but determined that i will allow him to leave. If he really is mine, he'll come back in the future. If not, i'm sure i will meet someone who, if not just like him, may be even better? InsyaAllah. We talked, and he explained how he don't want to let go of me & end up like strangers. We promised we will text each other if he really means it. If either one of us cry for the other, we will send a funny face to cheer each other up. It was hard, but that night, i slept soundly after we separated laughing at each other's silly antics. The next morning i cried on my mother's lap after prayers. It was a hard day at work but i managed. I guess the scar is just too fresh for me to handle right now. I wonder how is it for him..?


Only God knows.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
ألم نشرح لك صدرك
Alam nashrah laka sadraka
Have We not opened your breast for you (O Muhammad (Peace be upon him))?

ووضعنا عنك وزرك
WawadaAAna AAanka wizraka
And removed from you your burden,

الذي أنقض ظهرك
Allathee anqada thahraka
Which weighed down your back?

ورفعنا لك ذكرك
WarafaAAna laka thikraka
And raised high your fame?

فإن مع العسر يسرا
Fainna maAAa alAAusri yusran
So verily, with the hardship, there is relief,

إن مع العسر يسرا
Inna maAAa alAAusri yusran
Verily, with the hardship, there is relief (i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs).

فإذا فرغت فانصب
Faitha faraghta fainsab
So when you have finished (from your occupation), then stand up for Allah's worship (i.e. stand up for prayer).

وإلى ربك فارغب
Waila rabbika fairghab
And to your Lord (Alone) turn (all your intentions and hopes and) your invocations.



This morning, after my prayers, mum asked me to read this. After i did, i cried onto her lap like  a little girl who lost her favourite pet. Mum knows best. She asked 'Did shamil have another person?' And I said I don't know. I never told Mum about him. But she just knew. And then she coaxed me, "It's all in His hands. Just pray and dua for the better. Maybe He has planned for someone better for you. Istighfar, hopefully it will calm your heart." InsyaAllah.

I looked up, smiled, and got ready for work.

Baggages. Everyone has one. But pick & chosose which to throw and to keep. With meaning or none.  Won't hurt to throw away  any. May Allah make our journey essier. 

It's going to be very hard. But i will force myself to.

It's only 2hours and I already miss you.

Hanyut - Faizal Tahir

Harus bagaimana lagi
Dan terus begini
Dengarkan aku
Lihat ke mataku
Cukup sudah kau menghukum
Salahku tetap salahku
Benarkan ku berbicara
Agar bisa pulih semua
Namun harus sampai bila
Kau kan diam seribu bahasa

(Chorus)
Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Saat mata terpejam
Hanya kau ku terbayang
Menghapus semua segala rasa di jiwaku
Saat mata terbuka
Kamulah yang pertama
Tak mampu aku
Bayangkan
Hidup tanpa dirimu

(Ulang Chorus)

Aku memang bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Dan tapi dah ku sedari
Segala perit kau lalui
Ku terlupa kau terluka
Dan memang selalu
Aku bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Meninggalkan mu

Dan tetapi itulah aku sedari
Segala perit yang kau lalui
Kerna diriku yang terus hanyut

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila kau tak di sisi
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Expect the worst.

Pengalaman.

Mengajar kita untuk mengelak sesuatu perkara,
Memberi keinginan untuk memiliki yang tiada.
Menjauhkan kita daripada yang tidak diingini.
Memberi pertunjuk untuk keputusan masa kini.

Mungkin, dengan cara tidak sengaja, kamu mendekati aku hanya kerana teman.
Mungkin, kamu hanya mahu membaiki hatiku yang terluka ini.

Tapi, teman, aku belum bersedia menerima kehadiranmu.
Walaubagaimana jauh pun kau berada, aku tahu kau ingin berteman seperti dulu.
Suatu hari nanti, mungkin kau akan tahu alasan sebenar perubahanku.
Mungkin juga, kau takkan tahu semua rahsiaku.


Mungkin juga, aku ini hanya berangan disebabkan kehadiranmu yang hampir mendadak ini.
Tidak! Aku tidak akan mengharap apapun sebab tiada apa-apa yang patut aku mengharap.
Aku akan menjadi teman baikmu sahaja, hingga bila-bila. Perhubungan kami tidak akan terputus, hanya, terbengkalai seketika sahaja. Kau akan tetap berada dihatiku, bila-bila masa. (:

Heart.  Break.















I wish you knew how i feel.











Missed.

Facial, lunch & shopping.
Thats how I spent my day today. Hehe. Felt so pampered. Didn't feel like going home until Mum pestered me to come home quick. Upon reaching home, I slept, till 7.

Lunch was at Bbq Chicken. I had Oriental Chili Chicken with coleslaw & mashpotatoes. Mmyumm! Couldn't finish as there was 9 pieces!! But they cheated because some were tiny pieces. Whatever it is, i was satisfied. No disturbance from anywhere as the restaurant was pretty empty.

It has been a long while since I went to Eastpoint. I still remember the times I kept going there with Mei Juan for a meal & study time. I missed it so i decided to give her a call hoping she was free but I was a tad late as she was going to work when I called. Hmm..maybe next time(:

The facial was comfortable, cosy & relaxing. But I was disgusted with myself because my nose was FILLED with stuffs. Eeerrggghhhhhh. Eeeewwww! But they were too insistent on making me sign for a package. So with my stubborness i finally came to an agreement for only 3 sessions. Pathetic! But I really didn't see any point in going for any. I don't have perfect skin but it isn't thaaatt bad either. My next appointment would be the first sunday next month. Not looking forward!

Bought an eyeliner(again!), facial wipes and wet tissues. Haha...what shall i wear tomorrow? Maybe the palazzo pants i just bought last week? I'm in love with the cerruti chiffon shawl i bought but i keep missing the preorders. Maybe i'll go find it Geylang during lunch? Heehee..i need to find a nice shawl for my dress for my DnD! 5 more days!! Looks like i'm going there alone, & heading home alone too. I have to fetch mom to an appointment on that day. I hope i'll be on time.

Good night! ;-*

I tried. I tried. I tried.
But I just couldn't take it all in.
1 year? Fake? What else?
I no longer feel the hurt i used to feel years back when he hurt me unintentionally.
His words, are no longer swords, but a huge Thor hammer, just shattering my heart to little tiny bits of pieces that I can feel nothing anymore.

We've changed and went to different paths.
Yes, i feel too immature now knowing that i wanted to put an end to it now rather than stay for the future. I'm sorry. But everything was already too harsh.
Tears fell but it stopped right after we stopped.
I didn't mean to let it fall, but it just did. I tried to control but you heard it in the end.
I know you don't to hear my cries, so I've stopped.

Fight for me. If you really loved me. Fight for me to stay.

I wish i was as strong as you. But i'm not.
I wish i was the person you met 5 years ago, the girl who stopped trusting boys, who doubted boys 8 years ago when the guy before you, took away her 1st kiss and left her, just because they weren't official.
If you don't want to fight for us, then I don't see why I should stay.
If you aren't happy with me around, my absence is all you need.

We are over.
55th.

Our love was sweet, but everything got bitter when you and I got bitter.

Now i'm lost.