I was distraught. I couldn't think straight. Remembering drove me crazy.
Stop blogging about that, lets talk about our daily mundane lives...
Can't wait to go shop tonight. Even though i just bought an aztec pattern pants. Hehee. Since my dietician didnt say anything, i went ahead to have my arnolds & coke (Yumyum!) till I bloatedd! It's been awhile since I had Arnolds. I barely touched the potatoes because i was tasked to finish the chicken.
Yes, i know i am sick. And it was really very sudden. It must've been my nephew! As cute as they are, they are quite a flu breeder. So being around them can turn the immune system from Ok to Sick to the Max in 2 days. Just add in fried food & fizzy drinks, thats it. Add in citrus drinks will turn it wild really fast! Oh well..who cares anyway..
When you wish for something to happen the next day, does 1250am counts? If you wish that something good will happen the next day, does the butterfly that flew onto the railing just next to you counts? Does it count if you just smile for the day? I feel happier today than yesterday. I will never know exactly why but you don't have to have a reason to smile, like how you need to have a reason to love. Maybe, i'm in love? I'm meeting someone new tonight. Lets see how we turn out? Hehe..(:
Hati aku tak tenteram.
Setiap kali dia terlintas difikiran, aku rasa cemas.
Where is he? What is he doing? Has he eaten? What is he up to?
Urgh i hate it. I hate him. For putting me in this spot. I hate him.
I hope everything that happened can vanish from my head right this instant. I hate it. Noone has ever made me feel this way before. Noone made me feel this disturbed before. I feel stained. I hate it. HATEHATEHATE. How could he make me feel this way! He took advantage of me for the past year! I wondered why, now i guess I know why. He tried to re-live his love for me through that and after i spoilt it, he got bored, then he decides to cast me aside. Heart aches so bad i don't know who to turn to seek for comfort. I have nightmares, and i keep wondering, i keep hoping, i keeping remembering. I hate it. If he really loved me, why would he do those to me. Why did i let myself go so easily. Why did i let myself go...
I need myself to get back on my feet. My heart isn't calm, my head rings of all the sweet little things we did. My eyes are too dry, eventhough i tried so hard to cry it off. Where..i've lost myself..
I hate you. I hate you so much.heart gone
They say, when you are sick, God is ridding you of your sins through your sickness.
I think i may have done more damage than good.
Is what i'm doing wrong? I've been trying to make things right but i think all my efforts are wrong.
I'm sick. And i wish you were here to comfort me. But no..the reason why i texted him was so that he could ask me back how i was. And i wished he would call me to ask me how i was. To care. I wish he could just tell me he was thinking of me. I wish he could just tell me that i was on his mind. I wish he could have asked me. I wish he could have been the one saying, 'good morning, i hope you are ok. Make sure u go to the doctor today ok?'
These littlest things make a huge impact on our lives. Maybe he was not lying when he said he stopped loving me a year ago. He don't love me anymore. Fard, get that into your head. Don't expect anymore Fard. I bet everytime you text or call, he be like "shit, it's her again. What does sh want this time?"
He do not love you anymore. As much as you've realised you can't ignore him even when he's not there to be with you, as much as you've realised he's been on your mind even as you sleep, even when you're having nightmares, he'd be the first to know, as much as you've tried your best, he do not love you anymore.
Both of you have broken up. Deal with it. Remember your stand? No patch ups. Move on. Start mending your own heart now onwards. Please Fard, no more tears.
He did make and effort, stupid.
He always did. He always tried. Only you never realise how much he tried. He can't please everyone. He tried pleasing you all the time, but you never take notice. You only noticed what he never did. Things you wish he would. He's not your dream man that you've always wanted. But he was the man that you needed. He never wanted to let you go, you chose it. Your impatience got the most of you. Now look what you've done? You've chased him away.
He was always there. Never when you wanted, but when you needed.
He noticed you, not when you tried so hard to impress, but when you were just you.
He took care of you, when you were at the verge of breaking down, when you thought everything was breaking apart.
He tried his best, but you kept seeing his worst.
Now look what you've done? Nothing can fix this. Not until you wait and stay patient. He needs his time. One day, he'll tell you why. And when he does, don't be surprised if he tells you, he isn't coming back.
We all make mistakes. We all say the wrong things when we are emotional. But there's truth in every bit of the things we say while we are emotional.
I didn't know you read this. I never knew you wanted to know what was going on. There has been so much but none as big as yours. Maybe we should never forget to be thankful to Him, so that whatever that has been given to us now, will stay, InsyaAllah.
Last night, my dream, it scared me so bad, i cried in my sleep till i woke up crying. They say if you dream someone died, that person will live longer in real life. But this time, my mom did not pass away. She just wanted her family back, and she wanted them home. I hugged her in the dream, and repeatedly told her that I love her. I didn't want her to go. Mak, Fardah sayang mak. :'(
I realised when I decide to leave, something bad always happens to him. When we were on our time off, his favouritest cat died. And now even more things happened while i minded my own business. Am i that bad? So bad that i keep wondering what is bothering him and not find out truthfully why he is acting the way he was? Am i so selfish? I think I am. And i hate it.
I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up...
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, He knows
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jason_mraz/#share
Whatsapp used to be my favourite app. Now, I don't check it.
Seriously, i think i'm the only one in the chase this time. He didn't even make any attempt to contact me. I think everything was/is a lie right now. Maybe because I was the one who got angsty due to his runabout. Maybe I could not think of any new things to do till he got bored. Maybe I tried so hard to stay the same, i ended up to be a different person now rather than the last.
4 years, isn't brief. I was looking forward for the 5th. And the next, and the next. I was wishing that he'll be the one I end up with till the rest of my life. Till Jannah.
Before I met him, hope was a word I hated the most. I told myself "Don't hope for it. If you do, it'll never happen." I should stick to that now. I should never have hoped for us to be something more.
I have sinned too much in this relationship. Repent. I need guidance, Ya Allah. Please guide me further. Please show me what is right, what is wrong. What i should do next. Ya Allah, guide me on the your righteous path, pair me with one who can guide me to be better muslimah, help me cleanse myself. Ya Allah, I have sinned too much. Oh The Merciful One, forgive all my sins, all my wrong doings, all my mistakes. Astarghfirullahalazim!
Man...why is blogger now looking so complicated?
Its been a long while since i last posted. This has collected heaps of dust but i hope this blog could help me heal the way it did in 2004.
They say time heals wounds, but i think penning it down is relieves more as time heals.
Well, 4 years mann...it was a heluva ride for me. Longest relationship ever with swain. He changed me, for the better, and also for the worst. He came at my worst, heard me cry the hell out due to home affairs, he brought out of the narrowmindedness of never finding love, in home or out to believing that the least i could do is to actually show the people i love, that i love them. We started out by betting that we'd hug our moms. Something i nvr did. I lost the bet. But i was determined to show atleast my mom that i loved her. It was a sweet experience.
Then, mom got sick, terribly sick. I was at my deserate end again, and he was there to pull me back up again. When we thought her wounds were healed after about 3 years, the doctor found her sickness relapsed, making her go through what i never wanted her to go through. I hated it. I just want my mom back. I miss my old healthy mom. I was afraid of losing her. He assured me that mom will be alright. I just had to be there for her when she needs me. He brought hope back into my life. I was thankful, i still am.
Fast forward, 4 years was beautiful. I learnt everythg i could abt love. Until he started his band. I was supportive of it, & excited because he always wanted to carry on with his music. I tried being there for everything, shows, jammings. But in the crowd, i just felt lonely. I wanted him back, doing what we used to. But he changed. Music first, then comes me. I took the decision to let him be, settle his music, then come meet me for our usual dates..but it took a toll on us. I became so parasitic that we fought almost all the time. His free days were usually for jamming preparations, empty days are also for family. I felt neglected. But little did i know, our flame in his, was slowly dying, eversince the band started.
Now, i cry almost everynight to sleep yearning for his love. I know it will never ever be the same, ever again. I don't know whether to move on with my own life, or be there to constantly do checks on him, or just keep wondering and pondering what had happened. Am i that boring a person? Or just too bitter when i dont get what i want? i'm starting to wonder if all this while were just lies. What happened..